Brushing your teeth at work:
Please do not brush your teeth in a public restroom at work.
This drives me absolutely crazy.
Some guys park themselves in front of the mirror for 5 minutes to give an oral exam - with flossing nonetheless!
There are literally molecules of poop and piss floating around in the air in that restroom that are landing on your toothbrush.
Trust me, the ventilation is always awful in all public restrooms.
So please enjoy
that thought in your supposedly minty-fresh mouth.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Peeing in stalls in a public toilet:
If you are peeing in the stall, which should almost never happen (see other post)...
But if you happen to be peeing in a stall, be a gentleman and flip up the toilet seat. Use your shoe to gently push up the seat.
Don't be the dick who pisses on the seat.
Some co-worker of yours may be in an Emergency Dumping Situation and need that seat in a panicked terror.
If you are peeing in the stall, which should almost never happen (see other post)...
But if you happen to be peeing in a stall, be a gentleman and flip up the toilet seat. Use your shoe to gently push up the seat.
Don't be the dick who pisses on the seat.
Some co-worker of yours may be in an Emergency Dumping Situation and need that seat in a panicked terror.
Diarrhea at work:
If you have the misfortune of hearing someone having a mean case of explosive diarrhea, be sure to give them a wide berth. The every-other-stall-spacing rule may need to be expanded at that point.
In fact, it may be best to take your own pooping to another floor or another restroom in the building.
Also, never make eye contact with that poor pooper. He is in enough pain already.
If you are the unfortunate one having diarrhea, always take the farthest-away stall. And learn the Courtesy Flush (see other post).
If you have the misfortune of hearing someone having a mean case of explosive diarrhea, be sure to give them a wide berth. The every-other-stall-spacing rule may need to be expanded at that point.
In fact, it may be best to take your own pooping to another floor or another restroom in the building.
Also, never make eye contact with that poor pooper. He is in enough pain already.
If you are the unfortunate one having diarrhea, always take the farthest-away stall. And learn the Courtesy Flush (see other post).
In situations where all of the Urinals are filled to capacity:
If the urinals at your workplace are somehow full, take a lap once around the toilet. Go check your mail slot. Talk to the cute receptionist. Go look at the vending machines.
If the urinals are still full, this is the only situation in which it may be acceptable to use a stall to pee in.
This rule does not work the other way around though.
If the urinals at your workplace are somehow full, take a lap once around the toilet. Go check your mail slot. Talk to the cute receptionist. Go look at the vending machines.
If the urinals are still full, this is the only situation in which it may be acceptable to use a stall to pee in.
This rule does not work the other way around though.
Watch your Badge/ID when pooping at work:
If you are in a stall taking a dump, always be careful about your work badge/ID.
Frequently, people at my work have their badges/ID's clipped to their belts.
When your pants are on the unsanitary ground, your badge is on your belt, and it's just sitting there poking out from under the stall door, advertising your stinky shitting self.
I recommend putting your badge/ID in a pocket to avoid announcing your poop to your co-workers.
If you are in a stall taking a dump, always be careful about your work badge/ID.
Frequently, people at my work have their badges/ID's clipped to their belts.
When your pants are on the unsanitary ground, your badge is on your belt, and it's just sitting there poking out from under the stall door, advertising your stinky shitting self.
I recommend putting your badge/ID in a pocket to avoid announcing your poop to your co-workers.
Wiping Protocol
If you are in a stall, but there is someone else in another stall, He who starts wiping first gets to leave first.
In that instance, you are not allowed to exit until he has finished wiping, flushed, washed his hands, and exited the restroom.
Only at that point are you free to leave your stall.
If you are in a stall, but there is someone else in another stall, He who starts wiping first gets to leave first.
In that instance, you are not allowed to exit until he has finished wiping, flushed, washed his hands, and exited the restroom.
Only at that point are you free to leave your stall.
Proper Spacing in a public toilet:
When using a public toilet, proper spacing is crucial.
Always go every-other toilet.
If you must break the every-other rule, then take the over-sized handicap stall at the end. Those are the least-intrusive ones.
I could write an entire rant about times while I am pooping at work, and I am the only person in the restroom. We have a full 6 urinals + 6 stalls. So, if I sit in stall #5, inevitably the next idiot who comes in to take a dump will almost always go right next door into stall #4. Completely rude and unprofessional.
It drives me insane. It almost makes me mad enough to throw my poopy-wiped toilet-paper over the wall into their stall.
When using a public toilet, proper spacing is crucial.
Always go every-other toilet.
If you must break the every-other rule, then take the over-sized handicap stall at the end. Those are the least-intrusive ones.
I could write an entire rant about times while I am pooping at work, and I am the only person in the restroom. We have a full 6 urinals + 6 stalls. So, if I sit in stall #5, inevitably the next idiot who comes in to take a dump will almost always go right next door into stall #4. Completely rude and unprofessional.
It drives me insane. It almost makes me mad enough to throw my poopy-wiped toilet-paper over the wall into their stall.
Acknowledging Co-workers in the bathroom:
It is best to never acknowledge another person's existence in the bathroom.
If you are going to do it though, a subtle head-nod acknowledgement is next best. That is the only manly acceptable communication in a restroom.
If you must be an idiot and open your mouth, a one syllable greeting may be acceptable:
"Hey"
"Hi"
"Sup"
Not "POOP!"
Using someone's first name is taboo in the restroom:
"Hey Steve!" is just downright rude, because you have just essentially outed Steve to anyone lurking in the stalls.
It is best to never acknowledge another person's existence in the bathroom.
If you are going to do it though, a subtle head-nod acknowledgement is next best. That is the only manly acceptable communication in a restroom.
If you must be an idiot and open your mouth, a one syllable greeting may be acceptable:
"Hey"
"Hi"
"Sup"
Not "POOP!"
Using someone's first name is taboo in the restroom:
"Hey Steve!" is just downright rude, because you have just essentially outed Steve to anyone lurking in the stalls.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Cleanup on Stall 6!
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| Cleanup on Stall 6! |
Someone left early today to get a head start on the 4th of July holiday, but left their red boxer shorts in stall 6.
So after 5pm, after everyone had cleared out, I went in for a closer look. I toed at the boxers. I could not see any poop-stains. Nor could I see a tag to indicate size or brand. But they did look very "worn-out", definitely not new.
A mystery...
Thursday, April 4, 2013
"Shoeless Joe" in our men's room
Today's random bathroom encounter...
J.P. ran excitedly into my cubicle this morning and said, "I've got one for you. There's a guy in the men's room stall with no shoes on!"
So I sprinted in gung-ho... and yes, indeed, there was. His left shoe was next to him. His right shoe was on at this time.
One shoe off. Bare foot on the tile floor. Small feet. Shiny black dress shoes.
Barefoot in stall #4. Just gross.
(No picture; the bathroom was quite crowded).
J.P. ran excitedly into my cubicle this morning and said, "I've got one for you. There's a guy in the men's room stall with no shoes on!"
So I sprinted in gung-ho... and yes, indeed, there was. His left shoe was next to him. His right shoe was on at this time.
One shoe off. Bare foot on the tile floor. Small feet. Shiny black dress shoes.
Barefoot in stall #4. Just gross.
(No picture; the bathroom was quite crowded).
Garbage Shirt
Today, I found what appeared to be a perfectly good-looking button-up dress shirt in the men's room garbage after 5pm today.
It was almost as if someone had just decided that Facconable dress shirts were wear-once like disposable contact lenses.
When I saw this oddity in the garbage, I noticed that my co-worker Gary was just finishing up in Urinal #1. I broke my own no-communication rule given the weirdness of the situation and we spoke of why someone would throw away their work shirt.
So I wrapped my hand in several paper towels and slowly pulled out the button-up Facconable dress shirt. It was littered with these little spots... Spots of what though?!? Poop? Vomit? Blood? Salad dressing? Pen ink?
It was almost as if someone had just decided that Facconable dress shirts were wear-once like disposable contact lenses.
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| Garbage Shirt-1 |
When I saw this oddity in the garbage, I noticed that my co-worker Gary was just finishing up in Urinal #1. I broke my own no-communication rule given the weirdness of the situation and we spoke of why someone would throw away their work shirt.
So I wrapped my hand in several paper towels and slowly pulled out the button-up Facconable dress shirt. It was littered with these little spots... Spots of what though?!? Poop? Vomit? Blood? Salad dressing? Pen ink?
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| Garbage Shirt-2 |
Monday, March 25, 2013
Running out of Toilet Paper
If you run out of toilet paper, that's your own damn fault for not checking when
you came into the stall in the first place.
It is never cool to ask for help.
You may have to emergency turtle-trot to the next stall when the coast is clear.
It is never cool to ask for help.
You may have to emergency turtle-trot to the next stall when the coast is clear.
Cell Phone Etiquette
Never ever, ever take a phone call on your cell phone in the bathroom. Ever.
If you are trapped in the bathroom when a cell phone talker is present, it is your duty to flush your toilet repeatedly, fart loudly, splatter-poop, urinate loudly, and/or moan and grunt as loudly as possible, in an effort to identify the toilet-talker to their party on the other end of their phone call.
If you are trapped in the bathroom when a cell phone talker is present, it is your duty to flush your toilet repeatedly, fart loudly, splatter-poop, urinate loudly, and/or moan and grunt as loudly as possible, in an effort to identify the toilet-talker to their party on the other end of their phone call.
What your cleaning lady would say
The stalls have ears.
The mirrors have eyes.
And the urinal tells no lies.
The mirrors have eyes.
And the urinal tells no lies.
Pooping at work - Rules #A
When pooping at work, it is best to never acknowledge another person's existence in the bathroom.
At all.
However, if you are going to acknowledge someone, a subtle head-nod is next best.
Do NOT wink or smile at anyone.
If you absolutely must open your damn mouth, a one syllable greeting is next best: Hey or 'Sup, are quasi-acceptable.
Using someone's name is absolutely forbidden when in a men's room:
Saying "Hey Steve" is terrible etiquette, because you have now just effectively outed Steve to any lurkers in the stalls... Maybe Steve just took a stinky dump and wanted to remain anonymous and sneak out of the restroom quietly, but you come in and "Hey Steve" him?!? Not cool.
However, if you are going to acknowledge someone, a subtle head-nod is next best.
Do NOT wink or smile at anyone.
If you absolutely must open your damn mouth, a one syllable greeting is next best: Hey or 'Sup, are quasi-acceptable.
Using someone's name is absolutely forbidden when in a men's room:
Saying "Hey Steve" is terrible etiquette, because you have now just effectively outed Steve to any lurkers in the stalls... Maybe Steve just took a stinky dump and wanted to remain anonymous and sneak out of the restroom quietly, but you come in and "Hey Steve" him?!? Not cool.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
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This was truly disgusting, as evidenced by my shaky hand/ drive-by photo op. I feel bad for the cleaning lady who had to clean that shit up. Get that poor lady a raise and a salaried position!
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Exhibitionist Pooping: This happened at work and knocked a full 33% of our stalls out of commission (2 out of 6) for several days. I suppose you could have chosen one of the two stalls and just gone for it, and hoped/prayed that nobody came into the neighboring stall while you were dumping... I felt it quite daring of the cleaning people to leave a roll of TP in the window, almost like they were daring someone to squat a deuce out.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Your Choice of Footwear
As mentioned in the previous post about the Oddly Positioned Man, your choice of footwear can unfortunately make you stand-out in the toilets when at work. This can be a good thing if you're trying to impress the ladies, or it can be a horrifically bad thing.
When you are going to work, wear the blandest, plainest, most-forgettable shoes you can possibly find.
Some brown or black Rockports would be completely unmemorable. Of course, this means they would be perfect for work-place pooping.
Remember, you don't want to be the guy who wears red shoes into the men's room, only to have to take a ferocious dump.
Because whenever you are in the stalls taking that ferocious dump, if anyone walks by, they will instinctively see your flashy red shoes under the stall doors, hear what you're doing, and instantly know it's YOU!
When you are going to work, wear the blandest, plainest, most-forgettable shoes you can possibly find.
Some brown or black Rockports would be completely unmemorable. Of course, this means they would be perfect for work-place pooping.
Remember, you don't want to be the guy who wears red shoes into the men's room, only to have to take a ferocious dump.
Because whenever you are in the stalls taking that ferocious dump, if anyone walks by, they will instinctively see your flashy red shoes under the stall doors, hear what you're doing, and instantly know it's YOU!
The Oddly Positioned Man
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| The Oddly Positioned Man - 3/18/2013 |
I went to use the urinals at work today, 3/18/2013, around 11am.
In stall #1 (out of 6 stalls total), I could only see the bottom of a co-worker's feet. He was positioned like the picture above.
I did not have a chance to snag a picture without looking too creepy and pervey, so I made this quick sketch of his odd positioning.
The red shapes are meant to be his shoes. His right foot's toes were touching the back wall. His left foot was quite wide-stanced and far-out to the left, so much so that it was in front of the toilet.
His body positioning would have been parallel to the side wall.
My friend Bill Z. suggested that the gentleman was probably "tugging it". I hope not; but with the weird shit that I see in our restroom, it would not surprise me.
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