Running out of Toilet Paper

If you run out of toilet paper, that's your own damn fault for not checking when you came into the stall in the first place. 

It is never cool to ask for help. 

You may have to emergency turtle-trot to the next stall when the coast is clear.

Cell Phone Etiquette

Never ever, ever take a phone call on your cell phone in the bathroom. Ever. 

If you are trapped in the bathroom when a cell phone talker is present, it is your duty to flush your toilet repeatedly, fart loudly, splatter-poop, urinate loudly, and/or moan and grunt as loudly as possible, in an effort to identify the toilet-talker to their party on the other end of their phone call.

What your cleaning lady would say

The stalls have ears. 
The mirrors have eyes. 
And the urinal tells no lies.

Pooping at work - Rules #A

When pooping at work, it is best to never acknowledge another person's existence in the bathroom. At all.

However, if you are going to acknowledge someone, a subtle head-nod is next best. 
Do NOT wink or smile at anyone.

If you absolutely must open your damn mouth, a one syllable greeting is next best: Hey or 'Sup, are quasi-acceptable. 

Using someone's name is absolutely forbidden when in a men's room: 
Saying "Hey Steve" is terrible etiquette, because you have now just effectively outed Steve to any lurkers in the stalls... Maybe Steve just took a stinky dump and wanted to remain anonymous and sneak out of the restroom quietly, but you come in and "Hey Steve" him?!? Not cool.

Diarrhea Seat: As mentioned in Poop Seat, I am always amazed at the shit I see in the men's room of our supposedly professional office. Salaried employees with fancy college degrees, Master's Degrees, and special certifications, people who can program computers, people who can do your taxes, people who can budget your balance sheet and expense report, BUT yet they cannot manage to direct their turds into the splashy toilet-water below?!?

This was truly disgusting, as evidenced by my shaky hand/ drive-by photo op. I feel bad for the cleaning lady who had to clean that shit up. Get that poor lady a raise and a salaried position!

Poop Seat: I am always amazed that even though I work in a professional office with people who are salaried employees with fancy college degrees, that they still manage to get shit on the seat. 
This may be difficult to see in the photo, but in the 9:00 position, there literally is shit on the seat.

Exhibitionist Pooping: This happened at work and knocked a full 33% of our stalls out of commission (2 out of 6) for several days. I suppose you could have chosen one of the two stalls and just gone for it, and hoped/prayed that nobody came into the neighboring stall while you were dumping... I felt it quite daring of the cleaning people to leave a roll of TP in the window, almost like they were daring someone to squat a deuce out.

Garbage Sock: someone apparently overheated one of their feet (looks to be a righty).

Your Choice of Footwear

As mentioned in the previous post about the Oddly Positioned Man, your choice of footwear can unfortunately make you stand-out in the toilets when at work. This can be a good thing if you're trying to impress the ladies, or it can be a horrifically bad thing.

When you are going to work, wear the blandest, plainest, most-forgettable shoes you can possibly find. 

Some brown or black Rockports would be completely unmemorable. Of course, this means they would be perfect for work-place pooping. 

Remember, you don't want to be the guy who wears red shoes into the men's room, only to have to take a ferocious dump.

Because whenever you are in the stalls taking that ferocious dump, if anyone walks by, they will instinctively see your flashy red shoes under the stall doors, hear what you're doing, and instantly know it's YOU!

The Oddly Positioned Man

The Oddly Positioned Man - 3/18/2013

I went to use the urinals at work today, 3/18/2013, around 11am. 

In stall #1 (out of 6 stalls total), I could only see the bottom of a co-worker's feet. He was positioned like the picture above. 

I did not have a chance to snag a picture without looking too creepy and pervey, so I made this quick sketch of his odd positioning. 

The red shapes are meant to be his shoes. His right foot's toes were touching the back wall. His left foot was quite wide-stanced and far-out to the left, so much so that it was in front of the toilet. 

His body positioning would have been parallel to the side wall.

My friend Bill Z. suggested that the gentleman was probably "tugging it". I hope not; but with the weird shit that I see in our restroom, it would not surprise me.